The Bird Who Lost Her Song

Every point of growing up I had a playlist of songs that were perfect for the moments I was going through. “Sunshine and Summertime” when my friend’s and I would drive to Zuma Beach in my ’88 Mustang.  We all felt young and skinny like anything could happen with our hair down and blowing in the wind.  We could literally go anywhere in that moment. We were so free.

“You and Tequila” when I started talking to my boyfriend (now my husband).  I would get lost in Kenny Chesney’s voice and dream about marrying the cutest man I had ever met.  I even listened to it when it felt like he was breaking my heart.  I am sure music is medicine, sometimes you have to listen and cry it out to get through rough times.

“Are you Gunna Kiss me or not” when he finally asked me out and didn’t kiss me before my hour and a half ride home alone.  I still get butterflies every time I hear this song.

“Hey Pretty Girl” when we were engaged after he asked me to marry him and I was imagining our lives together.  Then “ I Do Cherish You” When we were getting married. I would cry just picturing us dancing to this song for our first dance, it felt like that day would never come…

I have not felt the magic in such a long time.  Maybe it is my outlook on life.  I think I just got married and became so busy with responsibility that I lost that free part of me.  Everything became so serious and I became entangled in it so much that I forgot to stop and ask myself “What makes you happy?” “Where did your smile go?”  I am going to be a mommy and I am so excited, but I am scared that if I don’t find my song soon I will lose it forever.

Hello Old Friend

I admit, I fall into the stereo type. I am in love with  F A L L.  I am the stereo typical Yoga pants wearing, pumpkin spice latte drinking, hopeless romantic that doesn’t see fall as a season but a way of life.  I remember when I was in first grade and we were carving pumpkins as a class.  My mom came to pick me up and as we walked to the car I stomped on every leaf I came into contact with.  I love the crisp breeze and the ever-present feeling that something magical could happen at any moment. At one point in my life I wanted to name my daughter September regardless of what month she was born.  My dream is a world where work does not exist, it is constantly 60 or below, cuddling and watching movies are required and no one gets fat from all of the amazing cookies and cakes that are made during cuddling breaks.  I love that Christmas is around the corner and that family is required to spend time together. If I could be an Elf my life would be complete.

I know… I have accepted my addiction.

It is a cruel joke that I live in southern California where it is 60 degrees two days out of the year. If we’re lucky.  Regardless, I am dreaming away.  I hope this season brings every magical wish to life for you.  Happy September!

I hope you dance

Growing up I was not popular by any means… I was madly in love with a boy at my church who was way too old for me and way out of my league.  Looking back he was surprisingly kind considering I stalked him for most of my childhood.  I wore the most ridiculous outfits. Never said the right thing.  I was oily and overweight. To top it all off after youth group, when everyone was standing outside waiting for their parents, I would pretend like I was a ballerina and dance like a little fool where everyone could see me.  I still cringe.  Anyway, there was this girl that was so cool and pretty. She was a year older than me and all the guys liked her, everyone liked her, even the guy I liked.  I tried not to be jealous but she had everything, the perfect clothes, the perfect singing voice, she was trying to be an actress.  And I was frumpy.  My jealousy showed some ugly colors at times.  Over the years I just existed trying to fit in where I could but I did not have a lot of friends. Then I finally made a really good friend and we learned how to do our makeup and hair and we morphed out of our awkward stages.  Even though outwardly I have changed I still feel cripplingly inferior to people who are cool and beautiful.  Especially this girl.  It’s like my fat dorky mini-me resurfaces the second someone has nice hair and a glow of perfection.

The other night I saw her for the first time in probably 5 years. I spent a lot of time on my makeup and hair before I went over to her house. When I walked in to the party I felt pretty.  She still looks amazing like a classic model, graceful and glamorous.   I couldn’t help but notice that she also looked a little sad and empty.  She greeted me politely then said that I “beat her to the Altar.” I thought that was a strange comment.  She did her best to avoid me but at one point she very briefly brought up her ex-boyfriend then changed the subject.  Despite the fact that she is beautiful, she has only had one serious boyfriend that I know of.  They looked like the perfect couple, I think he was a model.  I think he really broke her heart.  Throughout the night she said I beat her to the altar a few more times.  She smoked a few cigarettes and I thought I almost saw her cringe when she first grabbed the pack that happened to be in front of me.  Almost like saying. “I’m doing this and I don’t care what you think.”  This triggered something in me to prove that I was not a prude.  So I grabbed a beer and had some sort of mixed drink in my hand for the rest of the night.  I looked around at the people at the party, they were all beautiful models, actors and singers.  They were honestly very nice as well, but when I saw her interact with them I felt sad for her.  She plays the part perfectly.  She’s cool and smooth but every reaction was thought out.  I got a little tipsy at the end of the night but I kept my composure.  We were all hanging out in the garage, a few people were smoking. At one point I asked to smoke a puff of someone’s cigarette.  When I replayed last night in my head this morning I was so disgusted with myself.  In the past I have smoked when I have had a few drinks… both of which I am quitting.  The part that made me so angry with myself is that I didn’t smoke that cigarette because I wanted it… I smoked it because I wanted her to see.

I do not know when or why I gave her that much control.  I am not that person. I have no desire to be cool or popular.  I am completely content with my life and my friends.  My husband is the most unbelievable person I know and when I screw up, he’s the only one who has always been there to pick up the pieces.  Last night made me realize how blessed I am to have him in my life.  I cringe that I used to dance in the parking lot and kept a picture of my crush above my bed. (I told you I was creepy.) But I never hid myself to impress other people.  If people did or didn’t like me, they didn’t like the real awkward klutzy me. And I am ok with that.

Who am I?

Soo… I know it has been a long time since I have written anything.  Not like it matters because I think three people are following me. Thank you three people.  I appreciate you.  I have been feeling very insignificant lately… I know it is silly.  My entire life I have been viewed as overly bossy and controlling.  Understandably, I would probably get annoyed with me too. Actually, I already am.  I do not mean to be this way.  Every piece of advice and simple correction I give is because I am sincerely trying to help.  I’m not trying to prove that I am right, or that my way is better.  I’m just suggesting another way.  I think that is why it is so hard when people do not appreciate it.

The hardest part about it is that I have always viewed my bossiness as a positive characteristic.  I would joke about how “Control Freaky” I am/was, but I never thought that it seriously irritated people.  I honestly thought that it was one of my best attributes.  So when I was reprimanded it made me feel worthless.  I have always wanted to be a wedding coordinator because I feel like I pay attention to detail and I love seeing people get married.  Now I do not really know what I want to do.  I am probably being over dramatic, but it has really caused me to question if my friends and family really like me or just put up with me.  As silly as it is, this has really made me reevaluate my life.

Anyway, I am figuring it out.  I have been trying not to voice my opinion so much, I have been trying not to voice it at all actually.  Not in a spiteful way, I just feel like people probably do not care about what I have to say.  I hope my three people are doing well.  🙂

G R O W up ^

Life has been so busy, working full-time, taking care of my husband.  Let me just take a moment to say that I am utterly and completely mad about him.  He is my favorite thing to see when open my eyes in the morning and the reason I am so excited to get home from work every night.  He is patient and understanding, something I am not completely used to.  Even though he hasn’t completely figured me out he’s slowly starting to understand that he never will.  This infuriates him.  He is absolutely the love of my life and I am so blessed to be a part of his story and am so glad that he is completing mine.

 Life hasn’t necessarily been easy as well.  Serious changes have been happening with my group of friends.

My Friend Shaylee is Marrying Ryan.  
Shannon, my sister and best friend is going away to college and I am utterly depressed.

Grant, Ryan’s brother is going into the Marines.

Shane, Sawyer and Shaylee’s Brother is working with Ryan at 4 Wheel Parts which is such a blessing.

Sawyer is going to be Daddy in September.  I will wait to disclose the gender because no one knows yet… well except me..  That’s a whole different story.

Crazy things. I am slowly realizing that life is completely unpredictable, but it goes on.  Maybe this time in my life is teaching me that I need to be more flexible.  Not everything is bad, actually none of it is bad.  My selfishness in missing my sister is the only thing that is going to be difficult, but for those of you wondering I will survive.  ..I hope.. I started a business called Beauticontrol so that should keep me busy.  I just pray that we all end up where we need to be and that these changes in our lives bring us closer together than apart.  I truly believe that God has a sense of humor, He notices when you think you have everything figured out and he flips it upside down.  Chang is good.  That is what I keep telling myself. Change is good… right?

A Glimpse of the Past

As I previously stated, one of my closest friends, Sawyer, is going through a difficult time in his life.  It has been so hard to see him so depressed and confused.  Two nights ago all of our friends, including Sawyer, came over to mine and Josh’s house.  We were all laughing and the guys were talking about dirt bikes.  I started to think about when I was 17 and my group of friends; Shane, Shaylee, Sawyer, Jason, Aaron, my sister Shannon, and I were inseparable.  No jobs, we had just gotten our licenses.  My sister had a Buick that we named Picasso.  It had six seats and a huge trunk.  Jason had a small baby blue Chevy truck with a front fender that was black because he crashed into a tree one night driving a little too fast.  Jason and Sawyer would ride to the beach in that two toned truck listening to music and wearing their matching cowboy hats.  They thought they were hot stuff, but Shannon, Shaylee and I just laughed at them.  Almost every weekend we would go to the beach. We would listen to Kenny Chesney on a battery operated radio that hardly ever worked, drink Coke from a bottle, and dream about our ranches that would all be next to each other.  We didn’t care what city or state we would end up in, we just wanted to be next to each other forever.  Inevitably Jason would say something frustrating, but we would all just roll our eyes and continue listening to music.  Afterword we would all go to Johnny Rockets and the waiters would joke around with Shannon and ask her if she wanted a “Cherry Coke” instead of a “Roy Rogers” solely because they knew it would get a rise out of her.  Everyone would come over and go swimming, we would go to my parents cabin in Big Bear, the boys would listen wide eyed to my dad tell stories and they would laugh over dramatically when my dad told a joke at my mom’s expense.  We thoroughly enjoyed each other.  That is one summer I will never forgot.  I thought everything was set, and that was the way my life would be forever,  but things change.

When Sawyer came over two nights ago he was happy, laughing and energetic I miss this Sawyer.  The Sawyer who dropped everything and waited outside my work for me to walk to my car because there was a scary person outside, the Sawyer who sometimes makes bad decisions but inevitably makes the right one, the Sawyer who made an entire bookcase for my sister because she asked him to, the Sawyer who kissed me one the cheek on my wedding day and said “I love you sis.”  I love and miss that Sawyer and I am glad he’s back.  I hope that whatever decisions that he makes in life, that he is always that Sawyer.  I love that Sawyer and I hope he is here to stay.

Find Out Who Your Friends Are”

Run your car off the side of the road
Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere
Or get yourself in a bind,
Lose the shirt off your back,
Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare…
This is where the rubber meets the road
This is where the cream is gonna rise
This is what you really didn’t know
This is where the truth don’t lie
You find out who your friends are

Watching a train wreck happen is traumatic enough, but knowing it could have been avoided takes a toll on a person’s entire being.  Being a friend is not easy.  When a person loves their friend they are expected to tell them when they see imminent hazards, but in order for the friendship process to work… the other person needs to listen to said friend.  More often than not, they do not listen and then the advised friend wonders why they are scattered into a million emotional pieces.   Well that stinks for the person who made the ‘wrong’ decision, but what they don’t think about is how it makes the adviser feel.  Life is full of choices and mistakes, I assume that’s why friends exist in the first place.

I am in an interesting place in my life.  I just got married and am truly loving it.  One of my close friends made a decision that will impact his life forever.  I feel silly even calling him my friend because we are so close. I seriously feel like my whole body has been drained.  I am hurt and confused. This situation is not about me, I just have so many overwhelming emotions that I am literally exhausted.  I cannot imagine how he feels.  There are different kinds of friends; casual friends, backstabbing friends, and friends that are so close they should be called family.  Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for a time of adversity.”  I am not a scholar, but I believe the verse is saying that a true friend loves even when it is not easy, but a brother is there for you when times become unbearable.  I see this as two different levels of friendship/ love.  There is the friendship that oversees imperfection and loves regardless, then there is the love of a brother that will feel every emotion and stand by his brother’s side until the death.  My close friends are like this.  They have been there for me in every situation and love me even when I am annoying and bossy.  We have pulled each other through parents getting divorced, being kicked out of the house, and losing people.  We have laughed together and seriously cried with each other, but I know they will be there in a heartbeat if I need anything at all.  I am so blessed to be a part of such an incredible family.

I truly feel for my friend/brother.  He made a choice, I and the rest of our friends will be there for him through it all, but it will not be easy.  I just hope he knows how much we love him and that he could never do anything that would change that.

Tired

I am  t i r e d.  I usually try not to complain about my situations, because I am blessed to have the problems that I have, but today I am going to complain a little.  I have been working two jobs for about 5 months and it is starting to get to me.  I love both of my jobs because they are both very different.  My full time job is an office job, and obviously my part time job is Starbucks.  They are both incredible companies and I am endlessly grateful to work for them.  Lately I have been going to my first job, coming home for a few minutes, then leaving for my second job.  I barely have time to see Josh, and when I do see him I am exhausted which makes me sad.  I think it makes him sad too.  Josh is going to school full time to become an engineer, so he is usually pretty busy as well.  I love him so much and has been doing so well in school.  I am so proud of him.  He hates that I have been working as hard as I have, but that just makes me love him that much more.  I am also planning a wedding.  That is the funniest complaint.  I guess it is not really a complaint, I just wish I had more time to focus on the wedding.  Haha, said every bride ever.  Anyway, right now I am in a strange spot because I really just want both of us to start our careers and be able to spend more time with each other.  On the other hand I love where we are because it is our journey together and it has been really fun.  I keep telling myself that I am going to miss this.  Thank you Toby Keith.  I will continue to repeat Colossians 3:23, “Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men.”  That verse is such a comfort to me.  I also need to constantly remember to choose Joy.  This is very hard for me when I have had a really long day at my first job, a customer is being difficult, and I know I will not be off until 11:15.   They often are difficult. I need to remember to  B e  S t i l l  and respond with love because their day has probably been worse.  I have been ignoring the respond with love part lately.  O o p s.

On top of all this craziness you would think I would be a caffeine addict.  I am not.  I have no tolerance for caffeine.  Every time I drink it, my heart starts racing, I get horribly anxious and I cannot go to sleep until at least 3:00am.  But I am not the brightest light bulb and I often make a drink for myself and instantly regret it.  So Josh has to deal with me: being exhausted, being terrified that the world is coming to an end, being scared that I am dying of whatever disease that I read about that day, and that we are going to be poor.  Then he says that I need to stop worrying so much because I am going to get a disease from being too stressed out.  This does not help but he is a good man for trying.  🙂  I really need to calm down and breathe.  There is a job opportunity that I am very seriously hoping happens, because Josh and I will be set.  Definitely praying and waiting on God.

Change

It is so strange how people change, their thoughts and motives.  A girl I knew in high school came into my Starbucks last night and was really intoxicated.  Before last night I had seen her one time a few months ago, but I had not seen her for years before that.  The first time she looked so drained and she was slurring her words, her face looked pale and drawn.  Last night her hair was done, she had color in her face, she honestly looked really beautiful.  Then you looked closer and there were little raw patches all over her arms, hands, and face.  Her mouth was really dry, she was talking quickly and seemed unbalanced.  It’s so sad how life changes. Honestly I was the bratty know-it-all freshman and her and my friend were the cool Juniors.   Everything they did I would criticize.  It was just strange to see her so lost.  I went home and told my fiancé about it and he said, really sympathetically, “You kind of make your own bed, you know?” But what if the person did not realize the extremely comfortable bed she could have had.  I wish she knew how beautiful she is and what an incredible leader she could be.

Last year I got a parking ticket for being parked ten minutes longer than I paid for.  I went home and told my dad and instead of yelling at me he said, “I was initially mad.  Then I thought of all the things that you could be doing, and if the worst trouble you have gotten into is a parking ticket then I can pay for it.” I was obviously grateful, but I also kind of laughed thinking, “what on earth could be we doing?  We were homeschooled.”  That was such a naive thought.  Just because I do not struggle does not mean that others do not either.

A few months ago a friend messaged me on Facebook asking me to pray for her (The friend that came in last night) because she was dying in the hospital for drug abuse.  I will not stop praying for her.  I honestly hope she discovers what her life could be like before it is too late.  I truly believe that God can do that.  She just has to be willing to change, sadly it does not look that way.

Be s t i l l

       It is amazing how one decision can completely change a person’s life.  Decisions are deceiving.  I think the real dilemma is whether or not a person wants to stay in their complacent comfort zone, or if they are willing to take chances.  Both options have pros and cons.  They are beautiful and difficult at the same time.   I guess that is with everything though.  I pray that the right choice is made for me and my family.  Even though I hate making choices, some of the best things have come out of taking a stand on what I feel is best.  It is frightening though.  Dennis Waitley wrote this:  There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist or accept responsibility for changing them.  I have made a few choices that I cringe to think of, but then I remember why I did them and I have peace.