The Bird Who Lost Her Song

e0ca6a65e36ad5becc2b49f44ddac01bEvery point of growing up I had a playlist of songs that were perfect for the moments I was going through. “Sunshine and Summertime” when my friend’s and I would drive to Zuma Beach in my ’88 Mustang.  We all felt young and skinny like anything could happen with our hair down and blowing in the wind.  We could literally go anywhere in that moment. We were so free.

“You and Tequila” when I started talking to my boyfriend (now my husband).  I would get lost in Kenny Chesney’s voice and dream about marrying the cutest man I had ever met.  I even listened to it when it felt like he was breaking my heart.  I am sure music is medicine, sometimes you have to listen and cry it out to get through rough times.

“Are you Gunna Kiss me or not” when he finally asked me out and didn’t kiss me before my hour and a half ride home alone.  I still get butterflies every time I hear this song.

“Hey Pretty Girl” when we were engaged after he asked me to marry him and I was imagining our lives together.  Then “ I Do Cherish You” When we were getting married. I would cry just picturing us dancing to this song for our first dance, it felt like that day would never come…

I have not felt the magic in such a long time.  Maybe it is my outlook on life.  I think I just got married and became so busy with responsibility that I lost that free part of me.  Everything became so serious and I became entangled in it so much that I forgot to stop and ask myself “What makes you happy?” “Where did your smile go?”  I am going to be a mommy and I am so excited, but I am scared that if I don’t find my song soon I will lose it forever.

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G R O W up ^

Life has been so busy, working full-time, taking care of my husband.  Let me just take a moment to say that I am utterly and completely mad about him.  He is my favorite thing to see when open my eyes in the morning and the reason I am so excited to get home from work every night.  He is patient and understanding, something I am not completely used to.  Even though he hasn’t completely figured me out he’s slowly starting to understand that he never will.  This infuriates him.  He is absolutely the love of my life and I am so blessed to be a part of his story and am so glad that he is completing mine.12342747_10205602448237647_8495771199515099101_n

 Life hasn’t necessarily been easy as well.  Serious changes have been happening with my group of friends.

My Friend Shaylee is Marrying Ryan.  
Shannon, my sister and best friend is going away to college and I am utterly depressed.

Grant, Ryan’s brother is going into the Marines.

Shane, Sawyer and Shaylee’s Brother is working with Ryan at 4 Wheel Parts which is such a blessing.

Sawyer is going to be Daddy in September.  I will wait to disclose the gender because no one knows yet… well except me..  That’s a whole different story.

Crazy things. I am slowly realizing that life is completely unpredictable, but it goes on.  Maybe this time in my life is teaching me that I need to be more flexible.  Not everything is bad, actually none of it is bad.  My selfishness in missing my sister is the only thing that is going to be difficult, but for those of you wondering I will survive.  ..I hope.. I started a business called Beauticontrol so that should keep me busy.  I just pray that we all end up where we need to be and that these changes in our lives bring us closer together than apart.  I truly believe that God has a sense of humor, He notices when you think you have everything figured out and he flips it upside down.  Chang is good.  That is what I keep telling myself. Change is good… right?

A Glimpse of the Past

a183ff46b560f9b38997c8cc7f3dec6cAs I previously stated, one of my closest friends, Sawyer, is going through a difficult time in his life.  It has been so hard to see him so depressed and confused.  Two nights ago all of our friends, including Sawyer, came over to mine and Josh’s house.  We were all laughing and the guys were talking about dirt bikes.  I started to think about when I was 17 and my group of friends; Shane, Shaylee, Sawyer, Jason, Aaron, my sister Shannon, and I were inseparable.  No jobs, we had just gotten our licenses.  My sister had a Buick that we named Picasso.  It had six seats and a huge trunk.  Jason had a small baby blue Chevy truck with a front fender that was black because he crashed into a tree one night driving a little too fast.  Jason and Sawyer would ride to the beach in that two toned truck listening to music and wearing their matching cowboy hats.  They thought they were hot stuff, but Shannon, Shaylee and I just laughed at them.  Almost every weekend we would go to the beach. We would listen to Kenny Chesney on a battery operated radio that hardly ever worked, drink Coke from a bottle, and dream about our ranches that would all be next to each other.  We didn’t care what city or state we would end up in, we just wanted to be next to each other forever.  Inevitably Jason would say something frustrating, but we would all just roll our eyes and continue listening to music.  Afterword we would all go to Johnny Rockets and the waiters would joke around with Shannon and ask her if she wanted a “Cherry Coke” instead of a “Roy Rogers” solely because they knew it would get a rise out of her.  Everyone would come over and go swimming, we would go to my parents cabin in Big Bear, the boys would listen wide eyed to my dad tell stories and they would laugh over dramatically when my dad told a joke at my mom’s expense.  We thoroughly enjoyed each other.  That is one summer I will never forgot.  I thought everything was set, and that was the way my life would be forever,  but things change.

When Sawyer came over two nights ago he was happy, laughing and energetic I miss this Sawyer.  The Sawyer who dropped everything and waited outside my work for me to walk to my car because there was a scary person outside, the Sawyer who sometimes makes bad decisions but inevitably makes the right one, the Sawyer who made an entire bookcase for my sister because she asked him to, the Sawyer who kissed me one the cheek on my wedding day and said “I love you sis.”  I love and miss that Sawyer and I am glad he’s back.  I hope that whatever decisions that he makes in life, that he is always that Sawyer.  I love that Sawyer and I hope he is here to stay.

Find Out Who Your Friends Are”

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Run your car off the side of the road
Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere
Or get yourself in a bind,
Lose the shirt off your back,
Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare…
This is where the rubber meets the road
This is where the cream is gonna rise
This is what you really didn’t know
This is where the truth don’t lie
You find out who your friends are

Watching a train wreck happen is traumatic enough, but knowing it could have been avoided takes a toll on a person’s entire being.  Being a friend is not easy.  When a person loves their friend they are expected to tell them when they see imminent hazards, but in order for the friendship process to work… the other person needs to listen to said friend.  More often than not, they do not listen and then the advised friend wonders why they are scattered into a million emotional pieces.   Well that stinks for the person who made the ‘wrong’ decision, but what they don’t think about is how it makes the adviser feel.  Life is full of choices and mistakes, I assume that’s why friends exist in the first place.

I am in an interesting place in my life.  I just got married and am truly loving it.  One of my close friends made a decision that will impact his life forever.  I feel silly even calling him my friend because we are so close. I seriously feel like my whole body has been drained.  I am hurt and confused. This situation is not about me, I just have so many overwhelming emotions that I am literally exhausted.  I cannot imagine how he feels.  There are different kinds of friends; casual friends, backstabbing friends, and friends that are so close they should be called family.  Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for a time of adversity.”  I am not a scholar, but I believe the verse is saying that a true friend loves even when it is not easy, but a brother is there for you when times become unbearable.  I see this as two different levels of friendship/ love.  There is the friendship that oversees imperfection and loves regardless, then there is the love of a brother that will feel every emotion and stand by his brother’s side until the death.  My close friends are like this.  They have been there for me in every situation and love me even when I am annoying and bossy.  We have pulled each other through parents getting divorced, being kicked out of the house, and losing people.  We have laughed together and seriously cried with each other, but I know they will be there in a heartbeat if I need anything at all.  I am so blessed to be a part of such an incredible family.

I truly feel for my friend/brother.  He made a choice, I and the rest of our friends will be there for him through it all, but it will not be easy.  I just hope he knows how much we love him and that he could never do anything that would change that.