I hope you dance

09aa9f7e959dda4199c5ab98df3f2d3eGrowing up I was not popular by any means… I was madly in love with a boy at my church who was way too old for me and way out of my league.  Looking back he was surprisingly kind considering I stalked him for most of my childhood.  I wore the most ridiculous outfits. Never said the right thing.  I was oily and overweight. To top it all off after youth group, when everyone was standing outside waiting for their parents, I would pretend like I was a ballerina and dance like a little fool where everyone could see me.  I still cringe.  Anyway, there was this girl that was so cool and pretty. She was a year older than me and all the guys liked her, everyone liked her, even the guy I liked.  I tried not to be jealous but she had everything, the perfect clothes, the perfect singing voice, she was trying to be an actress.  And I was frumpy.  My jealousy showed some ugly colors at times.  Over the years I just existed trying to fit in where I could but I did not have a lot of friends. Then I finally made a really good friend and we learned how to do our makeup and hair and we morphed out of our awkward stages.  Even though outwardly I have changed I still feel cripplingly inferior to people who are cool and beautiful.  Especially this girl.  It’s like my fat dorky mini-me resurfaces the second someone has nice hair and a glow of perfection.

The other night I saw her for the first time in probably 5 years. I spent a lot of time on my makeup and hair before I went over to her house. When I walked in to the party I felt pretty.  She still looks amazing like a classic model, graceful and glamorous.   I couldn’t help but notice that she also looked a little sad and empty.  She greeted me politely then said that I “beat her to the Altar.” I thought that was a strange comment.  She did her best to avoid me but at one point she very briefly brought up her ex-boyfriend then changed the subject.  Despite the fact that she is beautiful, she has only had one serious boyfriend that I know of.  They looked like the perfect couple, I think he was a model.  I think he really broke her heart.  Throughout the night she said I beat her to the altar a few more times.  She smoked a few cigarettes and I thought I almost saw her cringe when she first grabbed the pack that happened to be in front of me.  Almost like saying. “I’m doing this and I don’t care what you think.”  This triggered something in me to prove that I was not a prude.  So I grabbed a beer and had some sort of mixed drink in my hand for the rest of the night.  I looked around at the people at the party, they were all beautiful models, actors and singers.  They were honestly very nice as well, but when I saw her interact with them I felt sad for her.  She plays the part perfectly.  She’s cool and smooth but every reaction was thought out.  I got a little tipsy at the end of the night but I kept my composure.  We were all hanging out in the garage, a few people were smoking. At one point I asked to smoke a puff of someone’s cigarette.  When I replayed last night in my head this morning I was so disgusted with myself.  In the past I have smoked when I have had a few drinks… both of which I am quitting.  The part that made me so angry with myself is that I didn’t smoke that cigarette because I wanted it… I smoked it because I wanted her to see.

I do not know when or why I gave her that much control.  I am not that person. I have no desire to be cool or popular.  I am completely content with my life and my friends.  My husband is the most unbelievable person I know and when I screw up, he’s the only one who has always been there to pick up the pieces.  Last night made me realize how blessed I am to have him in my life.  I cringe that I used to dance in the parking lot and kept a picture of my crush above my bed. (I told you I was creepy.) But I never hid myself to impress other people.  If people did or didn’t like me, they didn’t like the real awkward klutzy me. And I am ok with that.

A Glimpse of the Past

a183ff46b560f9b38997c8cc7f3dec6cAs I previously stated, one of my closest friends, Sawyer, is going through a difficult time in his life.  It has been so hard to see him so depressed and confused.  Two nights ago all of our friends, including Sawyer, came over to mine and Josh’s house.  We were all laughing and the guys were talking about dirt bikes.  I started to think about when I was 17 and my group of friends; Shane, Shaylee, Sawyer, Jason, Aaron, my sister Shannon, and I were inseparable.  No jobs, we had just gotten our licenses.  My sister had a Buick that we named Picasso.  It had six seats and a huge trunk.  Jason had a small baby blue Chevy truck with a front fender that was black because he crashed into a tree one night driving a little too fast.  Jason and Sawyer would ride to the beach in that two toned truck listening to music and wearing their matching cowboy hats.  They thought they were hot stuff, but Shannon, Shaylee and I just laughed at them.  Almost every weekend we would go to the beach. We would listen to Kenny Chesney on a battery operated radio that hardly ever worked, drink Coke from a bottle, and dream about our ranches that would all be next to each other.  We didn’t care what city or state we would end up in, we just wanted to be next to each other forever.  Inevitably Jason would say something frustrating, but we would all just roll our eyes and continue listening to music.  Afterword we would all go to Johnny Rockets and the waiters would joke around with Shannon and ask her if she wanted a “Cherry Coke” instead of a “Roy Rogers” solely because they knew it would get a rise out of her.  Everyone would come over and go swimming, we would go to my parents cabin in Big Bear, the boys would listen wide eyed to my dad tell stories and they would laugh over dramatically when my dad told a joke at my mom’s expense.  We thoroughly enjoyed each other.  That is one summer I will never forgot.  I thought everything was set, and that was the way my life would be forever,  but things change.

When Sawyer came over two nights ago he was happy, laughing and energetic I miss this Sawyer.  The Sawyer who dropped everything and waited outside my work for me to walk to my car because there was a scary person outside, the Sawyer who sometimes makes bad decisions but inevitably makes the right one, the Sawyer who made an entire bookcase for my sister because she asked him to, the Sawyer who kissed me one the cheek on my wedding day and said “I love you sis.”  I love and miss that Sawyer and I am glad he’s back.  I hope that whatever decisions that he makes in life, that he is always that Sawyer.  I love that Sawyer and I hope he is here to stay.

Find Out Who Your Friends Are”

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Run your car off the side of the road
Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere
Or get yourself in a bind,
Lose the shirt off your back,
Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare…
This is where the rubber meets the road
This is where the cream is gonna rise
This is what you really didn’t know
This is where the truth don’t lie
You find out who your friends are

Watching a train wreck happen is traumatic enough, but knowing it could have been avoided takes a toll on a person’s entire being.  Being a friend is not easy.  When a person loves their friend they are expected to tell them when they see imminent hazards, but in order for the friendship process to work… the other person needs to listen to said friend.  More often than not, they do not listen and then the advised friend wonders why they are scattered into a million emotional pieces.   Well that stinks for the person who made the ‘wrong’ decision, but what they don’t think about is how it makes the adviser feel.  Life is full of choices and mistakes, I assume that’s why friends exist in the first place.

I am in an interesting place in my life.  I just got married and am truly loving it.  One of my close friends made a decision that will impact his life forever.  I feel silly even calling him my friend because we are so close. I seriously feel like my whole body has been drained.  I am hurt and confused. This situation is not about me, I just have so many overwhelming emotions that I am literally exhausted.  I cannot imagine how he feels.  There are different kinds of friends; casual friends, backstabbing friends, and friends that are so close they should be called family.  Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for a time of adversity.”  I am not a scholar, but I believe the verse is saying that a true friend loves even when it is not easy, but a brother is there for you when times become unbearable.  I see this as two different levels of friendship/ love.  There is the friendship that oversees imperfection and loves regardless, then there is the love of a brother that will feel every emotion and stand by his brother’s side until the death.  My close friends are like this.  They have been there for me in every situation and love me even when I am annoying and bossy.  We have pulled each other through parents getting divorced, being kicked out of the house, and losing people.  We have laughed together and seriously cried with each other, but I know they will be there in a heartbeat if I need anything at all.  I am so blessed to be a part of such an incredible family.

I truly feel for my friend/brother.  He made a choice, I and the rest of our friends will be there for him through it all, but it will not be easy.  I just hope he knows how much we love him and that he could never do anything that would change that.