The Bird Who Lost Her Song

e0ca6a65e36ad5becc2b49f44ddac01bEvery point of growing up I had a playlist of songs that were perfect for the moments I was going through. “Sunshine and Summertime” when my friend’s and I would drive to Zuma Beach in my ’88 Mustang.  We all felt young and skinny like anything could happen with our hair down and blowing in the wind.  We could literally go anywhere in that moment. We were so free.

“You and Tequila” when I started talking to my boyfriend (now my husband).  I would get lost in Kenny Chesney’s voice and dream about marrying the cutest man I had ever met.  I even listened to it when it felt like he was breaking my heart.  I am sure music is medicine, sometimes you have to listen and cry it out to get through rough times.

“Are you Gunna Kiss me or not” when he finally asked me out and didn’t kiss me before my hour and a half ride home alone.  I still get butterflies every time I hear this song.

“Hey Pretty Girl” when we were engaged after he asked me to marry him and I was imagining our lives together.  Then “ I Do Cherish You” When we were getting married. I would cry just picturing us dancing to this song for our first dance, it felt like that day would never come…

I have not felt the magic in such a long time.  Maybe it is my outlook on life.  I think I just got married and became so busy with responsibility that I lost that free part of me.  Everything became so serious and I became entangled in it so much that I forgot to stop and ask myself “What makes you happy?” “Where did your smile go?”  I am going to be a mommy and I am so excited, but I am scared that if I don’t find my song soon I will lose it forever.


A Glimpse of the Past

a183ff46b560f9b38997c8cc7f3dec6cAs I previously stated, one of my closest friends, Sawyer, is going through a difficult time in his life.  It has been so hard to see him so depressed and confused.  Two nights ago all of our friends, including Sawyer, came over to mine and Josh’s house.  We were all laughing and the guys were talking about dirt bikes.  I started to think about when I was 17 and my group of friends; Shane, Shaylee, Sawyer, Jason, Aaron, my sister Shannon, and I were inseparable.  No jobs, we had just gotten our licenses.  My sister had a Buick that we named Picasso.  It had six seats and a huge trunk.  Jason had a small baby blue Chevy truck with a front fender that was black because he crashed into a tree one night driving a little too fast.  Jason and Sawyer would ride to the beach in that two toned truck listening to music and wearing their matching cowboy hats.  They thought they were hot stuff, but Shannon, Shaylee and I just laughed at them.  Almost every weekend we would go to the beach. We would listen to Kenny Chesney on a battery operated radio that hardly ever worked, drink Coke from a bottle, and dream about our ranches that would all be next to each other.  We didn’t care what city or state we would end up in, we just wanted to be next to each other forever.  Inevitably Jason would say something frustrating, but we would all just roll our eyes and continue listening to music.  Afterword we would all go to Johnny Rockets and the waiters would joke around with Shannon and ask her if she wanted a “Cherry Coke” instead of a “Roy Rogers” solely because they knew it would get a rise out of her.  Everyone would come over and go swimming, we would go to my parents cabin in Big Bear, the boys would listen wide eyed to my dad tell stories and they would laugh over dramatically when my dad told a joke at my mom’s expense.  We thoroughly enjoyed each other.  That is one summer I will never forgot.  I thought everything was set, and that was the way my life would be forever,  but things change.

When Sawyer came over two nights ago he was happy, laughing and energetic I miss this Sawyer.  The Sawyer who dropped everything and waited outside my work for me to walk to my car because there was a scary person outside, the Sawyer who sometimes makes bad decisions but inevitably makes the right one, the Sawyer who made an entire bookcase for my sister because she asked him to, the Sawyer who kissed me one the cheek on my wedding day and said “I love you sis.”  I love and miss that Sawyer and I am glad he’s back.  I hope that whatever decisions that he makes in life, that he is always that Sawyer.  I love that Sawyer and I hope he is here to stay.