Growing up I was not popular by any means… I was madly in love with a boy at my church who was way too old for me and way out of my league. Looking back he was surprisingly kind considering I stalked him for most of my childhood. I wore the most ridiculous outfits. Never said the right thing. I was oily and overweight. To top it all off after youth group, when everyone was standing outside waiting for their parents, I would pretend like I was a ballerina and dance like a little fool where everyone could see me. I still cringe. Anyway, there was this girl that was so cool and pretty. She was a year older than me and all the guys liked her, everyone liked her, even the guy I liked. I tried not to be jealous but she had everything, the perfect clothes, the perfect singing voice, she was trying to be an actress. And I was frumpy. My jealousy showed some ugly colors at times. Over the years I just existed trying to fit in where I could but I did not have a lot of friends. Then I finally made a really good friend and we learned how to do our makeup and hair and we morphed out of our awkward stages. Even though outwardly I have changed I still feel cripplingly inferior to people who are cool and beautiful. Especially this girl. It’s like my fat dorky mini-me resurfaces the second someone has nice hair and a glow of perfection.
The other night I saw her for the first time in probably 5 years. I spent a lot of time on my makeup and hair before I went over to her house. When I walked in to the party I felt pretty. She still looks amazing like a classic model, graceful and glamorous. I couldn’t help but notice that she also looked a little sad and empty. She greeted me politely then said that I “beat her to the Altar.” I thought that was a strange comment. She did her best to avoid me but at one point she very briefly brought up her ex-boyfriend then changed the subject. Despite the fact that she is beautiful, she has only had one serious boyfriend that I know of. They looked like the perfect couple, I think he was a model. I think he really broke her heart. Throughout the night she said I beat her to the altar a few more times. She smoked a few cigarettes and I thought I almost saw her cringe when she first grabbed the pack that happened to be in front of me. Almost like saying. “I’m doing this and I don’t care what you think.” This triggered something in me to prove that I was not a prude. So I grabbed a beer and had some sort of mixed drink in my hand for the rest of the night. I looked around at the people at the party, they were all beautiful models, actors and singers. They were honestly very nice as well, but when I saw her interact with them I felt sad for her. She plays the part perfectly. She’s cool and smooth but every reaction was thought out. I got a little tipsy at the end of the night but I kept my composure. We were all hanging out in the garage, a few people were smoking. At one point I asked to smoke a puff of someone’s cigarette. When I replayed last night in my head this morning I was so disgusted with myself. In the past I have smoked when I have had a few drinks… both of which I am quitting. The part that made me so angry with myself is that I didn’t smoke that cigarette because I wanted it… I smoked it because I wanted her to see.
I do not know when or why I gave her that much control. I am not that person. I have no desire to be cool or popular. I am completely content with my life and my friends. My husband is the most unbelievable person I know and when I screw up, he’s the only one who has always been there to pick up the pieces. Last night made me realize how blessed I am to have him in my life. I cringe that I used to dance in the parking lot and kept a picture of my crush above my bed. (I told you I was creepy.) But I never hid myself to impress other people. If people did or didn’t like me, they didn’t like the real awkward klutzy me. And I am ok with that.
Life has been so busy, working full-time, taking care of my husband. Let me just take a moment to say that I am utterly and completely mad about him. He is my favorite thing to see when open my eyes in the morning and the reason I am so excited to get home from work every night. He is patient and understanding, something I am not completely used to. Even though he hasn’t completely figured me out he’s slowly starting to understand that he never will. This infuriates him. He is absolutely the love of my life and I am so blessed to be a part of his story and am so glad that he is completing mine.
Life hasn’t necessarily been easy as well. Serious changes have been happening with my group of friends.
My Friend Shaylee is Marrying Ryan. Shannon, my sister and best friend is going away to college and I am utterly depressed.
Grant, Ryan’s brother is going into the Marines.
Shane, Sawyer and Shaylee’s Brother is working with Ryan at 4 Wheel Parts which is such a blessing.
Sawyer is going to be Daddy in September. I will wait to disclose the gender because no one knows yet… well except me.. That’s a whole different story.
Crazy things. I am slowly realizing that life is completely unpredictable, but it goes on. Maybe this time in my life is teaching me that I need to be more flexible. Not everything is bad, actually none of it is bad. My selfishness in missing my sister is the only thing that is going to be difficult, but for those of you wondering I will survive. ..I hope.. I started a business called Beauticontrol so that should keep me busy. I just pray that we all end up where we need to be and that these changes in our lives bring us closer together than apart. I truly believe that God has a sense of humor, He notices when you think you have everything figured out and he flips it upside down. Chang is good. That is what I keep telling myself. Change is good… right?
I am t i r e d. I usually try not to complain about my situations, because I am blessed to have the problems that I have, but today I am going to complain a little. I have been working two jobs for about 5 months and it is starting to get to me. I love both of my jobs because they are both very different. My full time job is an office job, and obviously my part time job is Starbucks. They are both incredible companies and I am endlessly grateful to work for them. Lately I have been going to my first job, coming home for a few minutes, then leaving for my second job. I barely have time to see Josh, and when I do see him I am exhausted which makes me sad. I think it makes him sad too. Josh is going to school full time to become an engineer, so he is usually pretty busy as well. I love him so much and has been doing so well in school. I am so proud of him. He hates that I have been working as hard as I have, but that just makes me love him that much more. I am also planning a wedding. That is the funniest complaint. I guess it is not really a complaint, I just wish I had more time to focus on the wedding. Haha, said every bride ever. Anyway, right now I am in a strange spot because I really just want both of us to start our careers and be able to spend more time with each other. On the other hand I love where we are because it is our journey together and it has been really fun. I keep telling myself that I am going to miss this. Thank you Toby Keith. I will continue to repeat Colossians 3:23, “Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men.” That verse is such a comfort to me. I also need to constantly remember to choose Joy. This is very hard for me when I have had a really long day at my first job, a customer is being difficult, and I know I will not be off until 11:15. They often are difficult. I need to remember to B e S t i l l and respond with love because their day has probably been worse. I have been ignoring the respond with love part lately. O o p s.
On top of all this craziness you would think I would be a caffeine addict. I am not. I have no tolerance for caffeine. Every time I drink it, my heart starts racing, I get horribly anxious and I cannot go to sleep until at least 3:00am. But I am not the brightest light bulb and I often make a drink for myself and instantly regret it. So Josh has to deal with me: being exhausted, being terrified that the world is coming to an end, being scared that I am dying of whatever disease that I read about that day, and that we are going to be poor. Then he says that I need to stop worrying so much because I am going to get a disease from being too stressed out. This does not help but he is a good man for trying. 🙂 I really need to calm down and breathe. There is a job opportunity that I am very seriously hoping happens, because Josh and I will be set. Definitely praying and waiting on God.