The Bird Who Lost Her Song

e0ca6a65e36ad5becc2b49f44ddac01bEvery point of growing up I had a playlist of songs that were perfect for the moments I was going through. “Sunshine and Summertime” when my friend’s and I would drive to Zuma Beach in my ’88 Mustang.  We all felt young and skinny like anything could happen with our hair down and blowing in the wind.  We could literally go anywhere in that moment. We were so free.

“You and Tequila” when I started talking to my boyfriend (now my husband).  I would get lost in Kenny Chesney’s voice and dream about marrying the cutest man I had ever met.  I even listened to it when it felt like he was breaking my heart.  I am sure music is medicine, sometimes you have to listen and cry it out to get through rough times.

“Are you Gunna Kiss me or not” when he finally asked me out and didn’t kiss me before my hour and a half ride home alone.  I still get butterflies every time I hear this song.

“Hey Pretty Girl” when we were engaged after he asked me to marry him and I was imagining our lives together.  Then “ I Do Cherish You” When we were getting married. I would cry just picturing us dancing to this song for our first dance, it felt like that day would never come…

I have not felt the magic in such a long time.  Maybe it is my outlook on life.  I think I just got married and became so busy with responsibility that I lost that free part of me.  Everything became so serious and I became entangled in it so much that I forgot to stop and ask myself “What makes you happy?” “Where did your smile go?”  I am going to be a mommy and I am so excited, but I am scared that if I don’t find my song soon I will lose it forever.

Hello Old Friend

faca6727833bd4696e02df8dc0edb0e4I admit, I fall into the stereo type. I am in love with  F A L L.  I am the stereo typical Yoga pants wearing, pumpkin spice latte drinking, hopeless romantic that doesn’t see fall as a season but a way of life.  I remember when I was in first grade and we were carving pumpkins as a class.  My mom came to pick me up and as we walked to the car I stomped on every leaf I came into contact with.  I love the crisp breeze and the ever-present feeling that something magical could happen at any moment. At one point in my life I wanted to name my daughter September regardless of what month she was born.  My dream is a world where work does not exist, it is constantly 60 or below, cuddling and watching movies are required and no one gets fat from all of the amazing cookies and cakes that are made during cuddling breaks.  I love that Christmas is around the corner and that family is required to spend time together. If I could be an Elf my life would be complete.

I know… I have accepted my addiction.

It is a cruel joke that I live in southern California where it is 60 degrees two days out of the year. If we’re lucky.  Regardless, I am dreaming away.  I hope this season brings every magical wish to life for you.  Happy September!

Who am I?

3ab20f459cc2292eb3ee6f0501599e8aSoo… I know it has been a long time since I have written anything.  Not like it matters because I think three people are following me. Thank you three people.  I appreciate you.  I have been feeling very insignificant lately… I know it is silly.  My entire life I have been viewed as overly bossy and controlling.  Understandably, I would probably get annoyed with me too. Actually, I already am.  I do not mean to be this way.  Every piece of advice and simple correction I give is because I am sincerely trying to help.  I’m not trying to prove that I am right, or that my way is better.  I’m just suggesting another way.  I think that is why it is so hard when people do not appreciate it.

The hardest part about it is that I have always viewed my bossiness as a positive characteristic.  I would joke about how “Control Freaky” I am/was, but I never thought that it seriously irritated people.  I honestly thought that it was one of my best attributes.  So when I was reprimanded it made me feel worthless.  I have always wanted to be a wedding coordinator because I feel like I pay attention to detail and I love seeing people get married.  Now I do not really know what I want to do.  I am probably being over dramatic, but it has really caused me to question if my friends and family really like me or just put up with me.  As silly as it is, this has really made me reevaluate my life.

Anyway, I am figuring it out.  I have been trying not to voice my opinion so much, I have been trying not to voice it at all actually.  Not in a spiteful way, I just feel like people probably do not care about what I have to say.  I hope my three people are doing well.  🙂

Tired

e502f749a62dcb640afe6dc57ff2bbffI am  t i r e d.  I usually try not to complain about my situations, because I am blessed to have the problems that I have, but today I am going to complain a little.  I have been working two jobs for about 5 months and it is starting to get to me.  I love both of my jobs because they are both very different.  My full time job is an office job, and obviously my part time job is Starbucks.  They are both incredible companies and I am endlessly grateful to work for them.  Lately I have been going to my first job, coming home for a few minutes, then leaving for my second job.  I barely have time to see Josh, and when I do see him I am exhausted which makes me sad.  I think it makes him sad too.  Josh is going to school full time to become an engineer, so he is usually pretty busy as well.  I love him so much and has been doing so well in school.  I am so proud of him.  He hates that I have been working as hard as I have, but that just makes me love him that much more.  I am also planning a wedding.  That is the funniest complaint.  I guess it is not really a complaint, I just wish I had more time to focus on the wedding.  Haha, said every bride ever.  Anyway, right now I am in a strange spot because I really just want both of us to start our careers and be able to spend more time with each other.  On the other hand I love where we are because it is our journey together and it has been really fun.  I keep telling myself that I am going to miss this.  Thank you Toby Keith.  I will continue to repeat Colossians 3:23, “Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men.”  That verse is such a comfort to me.  I also need to constantly remember to choose Joy.  This is very hard for me when I have had a really long day at my first job, a customer is being difficult, and I know I will not be off until 11:15.   They often are difficult. I need to remember to  B e  S t i l l  and respond with love because their day has probably been worse.  I have been ignoring the respond with love part lately.  O o p s.

On top of all this craziness you would think I would be a caffeine addict.  I am not.  I have no tolerance for caffeine.  Every time I drink it, my heart starts racing, I get horribly anxious and I cannot go to sleep until at least 3:00am.  But I am not the brightest light bulb and I often make a drink for myself and instantly regret it.  So Josh has to deal with me: being exhausted, being terrified that the world is coming to an end, being scared that I am dying of whatever disease that I read about that day, and that we are going to be poor.  Then he says that I need to stop worrying so much because I am going to get a disease from being too stressed out.  This does not help but he is a good man for trying.  🙂  I really need to calm down and breathe.  There is a job opportunity that I am very seriously hoping happens, because Josh and I will be set.  Definitely praying and waiting on God.