The Bird Who Lost Her Song

e0ca6a65e36ad5becc2b49f44ddac01bEvery point of growing up I had a playlist of songs that were perfect for the moments I was going through. “Sunshine and Summertime” when my friend’s and I would drive to Zuma Beach in my ’88 Mustang.  We all felt young and skinny like anything could happen with our hair down and blowing in the wind.  We could literally go anywhere in that moment. We were so free.

“You and Tequila” when I started talking to my boyfriend (now my husband).  I would get lost in Kenny Chesney’s voice and dream about marrying the cutest man I had ever met.  I even listened to it when it felt like he was breaking my heart.  I am sure music is medicine, sometimes you have to listen and cry it out to get through rough times.

“Are you Gunna Kiss me or not” when he finally asked me out and didn’t kiss me before my hour and a half ride home alone.  I still get butterflies every time I hear this song.

“Hey Pretty Girl” when we were engaged after he asked me to marry him and I was imagining our lives together.  Then “ I Do Cherish You” When we were getting married. I would cry just picturing us dancing to this song for our first dance, it felt like that day would never come…

I have not felt the magic in such a long time.  Maybe it is my outlook on life.  I think I just got married and became so busy with responsibility that I lost that free part of me.  Everything became so serious and I became entangled in it so much that I forgot to stop and ask myself “What makes you happy?” “Where did your smile go?”  I am going to be a mommy and I am so excited, but I am scared that if I don’t find my song soon I will lose it forever.

Who am I?

3ab20f459cc2292eb3ee6f0501599e8aSoo… I know it has been a long time since I have written anything.  Not like it matters because I think three people are following me. Thank you three people.  I appreciate you.  I have been feeling very insignificant lately… I know it is silly.  My entire life I have been viewed as overly bossy and controlling.  Understandably, I would probably get annoyed with me too. Actually, I already am.  I do not mean to be this way.  Every piece of advice and simple correction I give is because I am sincerely trying to help.  I’m not trying to prove that I am right, or that my way is better.  I’m just suggesting another way.  I think that is why it is so hard when people do not appreciate it.

The hardest part about it is that I have always viewed my bossiness as a positive characteristic.  I would joke about how “Control Freaky” I am/was, but I never thought that it seriously irritated people.  I honestly thought that it was one of my best attributes.  So when I was reprimanded it made me feel worthless.  I have always wanted to be a wedding coordinator because I feel like I pay attention to detail and I love seeing people get married.  Now I do not really know what I want to do.  I am probably being over dramatic, but it has really caused me to question if my friends and family really like me or just put up with me.  As silly as it is, this has really made me reevaluate my life.

Anyway, I am figuring it out.  I have been trying not to voice my opinion so much, I have been trying not to voice it at all actually.  Not in a spiteful way, I just feel like people probably do not care about what I have to say.  I hope my three people are doing well.  🙂

Change

ImageIt is so strange how people change, their thoughts and motives.  A girl I knew in high school came into my Starbucks last night and was really intoxicated.  Before last night I had seen her one time a few months ago, but I had not seen her for years before that.  The first time she looked so drained and she was slurring her words, her face looked pale and drawn.  Last night her hair was done, she had color in her face, she honestly looked really beautiful.  Then you looked closer and there were little raw patches all over her arms, hands, and face.  Her mouth was really dry, she was talking quickly and seemed unbalanced.  It’s so sad how life changes. Honestly I was the bratty know-it-all freshman and her and my friend were the cool Juniors.   Everything they did I would criticize.  It was just strange to see her so lost.  I went home and told my fiancé about it and he said, really sympathetically, “You kind of make your own bed, you know?” But what if the person did not realize the extremely comfortable bed she could have had.  I wish she knew how beautiful she is and what an incredible leader she could be.

Last year I got a parking ticket for being parked ten minutes longer than I paid for.  I went home and told my dad and instead of yelling at me he said, “I was initially mad.  Then I thought of all the things that you could be doing, and if the worst trouble you have gotten into is a parking ticket then I can pay for it.” I was obviously grateful, but I also kind of laughed thinking, “what on earth could be we doing?  We were homeschooled.”  That was such a naive thought.  Just because I do not struggle does not mean that others do not either.

A few months ago a friend messaged me on Facebook asking me to pray for her (The friend that came in last night) because she was dying in the hospital for drug abuse.  I will not stop praying for her.  I honestly hope she discovers what her life could be like before it is too late.  I truly believe that God can do that.  She just has to be willing to change, sadly it does not look that way.