The Bird Who Lost Her Song

e0ca6a65e36ad5becc2b49f44ddac01bEvery point of growing up I had a playlist of songs that were perfect for the moments I was going through. “Sunshine and Summertime” when my friend’s and I would drive to Zuma Beach in my ’88 Mustang.  We all felt young and skinny like anything could happen with our hair down and blowing in the wind.  We could literally go anywhere in that moment. We were so free.

“You and Tequila” when I started talking to my boyfriend (now my husband).  I would get lost in Kenny Chesney’s voice and dream about marrying the cutest man I had ever met.  I even listened to it when it felt like he was breaking my heart.  I am sure music is medicine, sometimes you have to listen and cry it out to get through rough times.

“Are you Gunna Kiss me or not” when he finally asked me out and didn’t kiss me before my hour and a half ride home alone.  I still get butterflies every time I hear this song.

“Hey Pretty Girl” when we were engaged after he asked me to marry him and I was imagining our lives together.  Then “ I Do Cherish You” When we were getting married. I would cry just picturing us dancing to this song for our first dance, it felt like that day would never come…

I have not felt the magic in such a long time.  Maybe it is my outlook on life.  I think I just got married and became so busy with responsibility that I lost that free part of me.  Everything became so serious and I became entangled in it so much that I forgot to stop and ask myself “What makes you happy?” “Where did your smile go?”  I am going to be a mommy and I am so excited, but I am scared that if I don’t find my song soon I will lose it forever.

Who am I?

3ab20f459cc2292eb3ee6f0501599e8aSoo… I know it has been a long time since I have written anything.  Not like it matters because I think three people are following me. Thank you three people.  I appreciate you.  I have been feeling very insignificant lately… I know it is silly.  My entire life I have been viewed as overly bossy and controlling.  Understandably, I would probably get annoyed with me too. Actually, I already am.  I do not mean to be this way.  Every piece of advice and simple correction I give is because I am sincerely trying to help.  I’m not trying to prove that I am right, or that my way is better.  I’m just suggesting another way.  I think that is why it is so hard when people do not appreciate it.

The hardest part about it is that I have always viewed my bossiness as a positive characteristic.  I would joke about how “Control Freaky” I am/was, but I never thought that it seriously irritated people.  I honestly thought that it was one of my best attributes.  So when I was reprimanded it made me feel worthless.  I have always wanted to be a wedding coordinator because I feel like I pay attention to detail and I love seeing people get married.  Now I do not really know what I want to do.  I am probably being over dramatic, but it has really caused me to question if my friends and family really like me or just put up with me.  As silly as it is, this has really made me reevaluate my life.

Anyway, I am figuring it out.  I have been trying not to voice my opinion so much, I have been trying not to voice it at all actually.  Not in a spiteful way, I just feel like people probably do not care about what I have to say.  I hope my three people are doing well.  🙂

G R O W up ^

Life has been so busy, working full-time, taking care of my husband.  Let me just take a moment to say that I am utterly and completely mad about him.  He is my favorite thing to see when open my eyes in the morning and the reason I am so excited to get home from work every night.  He is patient and understanding, something I am not completely used to.  Even though he hasn’t completely figured me out he’s slowly starting to understand that he never will.  This infuriates him.  He is absolutely the love of my life and I am so blessed to be a part of his story and am so glad that he is completing mine.12342747_10205602448237647_8495771199515099101_n

 Life hasn’t necessarily been easy as well.  Serious changes have been happening with my group of friends.

My Friend Shaylee is Marrying Ryan.  
Shannon, my sister and best friend is going away to college and I am utterly depressed.

Grant, Ryan’s brother is going into the Marines.

Shane, Sawyer and Shaylee’s Brother is working with Ryan at 4 Wheel Parts which is such a blessing.

Sawyer is going to be Daddy in September.  I will wait to disclose the gender because no one knows yet… well except me..  That’s a whole different story.

Crazy things. I am slowly realizing that life is completely unpredictable, but it goes on.  Maybe this time in my life is teaching me that I need to be more flexible.  Not everything is bad, actually none of it is bad.  My selfishness in missing my sister is the only thing that is going to be difficult, but for those of you wondering I will survive.  ..I hope.. I started a business called Beauticontrol so that should keep me busy.  I just pray that we all end up where we need to be and that these changes in our lives bring us closer together than apart.  I truly believe that God has a sense of humor, He notices when you think you have everything figured out and he flips it upside down.  Chang is good.  That is what I keep telling myself. Change is good… right?

Be s t i l l

4c8d1497bfc8124508f56480ea54ccf4

       It is amazing how one decision can completely change a person’s life.  Decisions are deceiving.  I think the real dilemma is whether or not a person wants to stay in their complacent comfort zone, or if they are willing to take chances.  Both options have pros and cons.  They are beautiful and difficult at the same time.   I guess that is with everything though.  I pray that the right choice is made for me and my family.  Even though I hate making choices, some of the best things have come out of taking a stand on what I feel is best.  It is frightening though.  Dennis Waitley wrote this:  There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist or accept responsibility for changing them.  I have made a few choices that I cringe to think of, but then I remember why I did them and I have peace.