The Bird Who Lost Her Song

e0ca6a65e36ad5becc2b49f44ddac01bEvery point of growing up I had a playlist of songs that were perfect for the moments I was going through. “Sunshine and Summertime” when my friend’s and I would drive to Zuma Beach in my ’88 Mustang.  We all felt young and skinny like anything could happen with our hair down and blowing in the wind.  We could literally go anywhere in that moment. We were so free.

“You and Tequila” when I started talking to my boyfriend (now my husband).  I would get lost in Kenny Chesney’s voice and dream about marrying the cutest man I had ever met.  I even listened to it when it felt like he was breaking my heart.  I am sure music is medicine, sometimes you have to listen and cry it out to get through rough times.

“Are you Gunna Kiss me or not” when he finally asked me out and didn’t kiss me before my hour and a half ride home alone.  I still get butterflies every time I hear this song.

“Hey Pretty Girl” when we were engaged after he asked me to marry him and I was imagining our lives together.  Then “ I Do Cherish You” When we were getting married. I would cry just picturing us dancing to this song for our first dance, it felt like that day would never come…

I have not felt the magic in such a long time.  Maybe it is my outlook on life.  I think I just got married and became so busy with responsibility that I lost that free part of me.  Everything became so serious and I became entangled in it so much that I forgot to stop and ask myself “What makes you happy?” “Where did your smile go?”  I am going to be a mommy and I am so excited, but I am scared that if I don’t find my song soon I will lose it forever.

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Hello Old Friend

faca6727833bd4696e02df8dc0edb0e4I admit, I fall into the stereo type. I am in love with  F A L L.  I am the stereo typical Yoga pants wearing, pumpkin spice latte drinking, hopeless romantic that doesn’t see fall as a season but a way of life.  I remember when I was in first grade and we were carving pumpkins as a class.  My mom came to pick me up and as we walked to the car I stomped on every leaf I came into contact with.  I love the crisp breeze and the ever-present feeling that something magical could happen at any moment. At one point in my life I wanted to name my daughter September regardless of what month she was born.  My dream is a world where work does not exist, it is constantly 60 or below, cuddling and watching movies are required and no one gets fat from all of the amazing cookies and cakes that are made during cuddling breaks.  I love that Christmas is around the corner and that family is required to spend time together. If I could be an Elf my life would be complete.

I know… I have accepted my addiction.

It is a cruel joke that I live in southern California where it is 60 degrees two days out of the year. If we’re lucky.  Regardless, I am dreaming away.  I hope this season brings every magical wish to life for you.  Happy September!

I hope you dance

09aa9f7e959dda4199c5ab98df3f2d3eGrowing up I was not popular by any means… I was madly in love with a boy at my church who was way too old for me and way out of my league.  Looking back he was surprisingly kind considering I stalked him for most of my childhood.  I wore the most ridiculous outfits. Never said the right thing.  I was oily and overweight. To top it all off after youth group, when everyone was standing outside waiting for their parents, I would pretend like I was a ballerina and dance like a little fool where everyone could see me.  I still cringe.  Anyway, there was this girl that was so cool and pretty. She was a year older than me and all the guys liked her, everyone liked her, even the guy I liked.  I tried not to be jealous but she had everything, the perfect clothes, the perfect singing voice, she was trying to be an actress.  And I was frumpy.  My jealousy showed some ugly colors at times.  Over the years I just existed trying to fit in where I could but I did not have a lot of friends. Then I finally made a really good friend and we learned how to do our makeup and hair and we morphed out of our awkward stages.  Even though outwardly I have changed I still feel cripplingly inferior to people who are cool and beautiful.  Especially this girl.  It’s like my fat dorky mini-me resurfaces the second someone has nice hair and a glow of perfection.

The other night I saw her for the first time in probably 5 years. I spent a lot of time on my makeup and hair before I went over to her house. When I walked in to the party I felt pretty.  She still looks amazing like a classic model, graceful and glamorous.   I couldn’t help but notice that she also looked a little sad and empty.  She greeted me politely then said that I “beat her to the Altar.” I thought that was a strange comment.  She did her best to avoid me but at one point she very briefly brought up her ex-boyfriend then changed the subject.  Despite the fact that she is beautiful, she has only had one serious boyfriend that I know of.  They looked like the perfect couple, I think he was a model.  I think he really broke her heart.  Throughout the night she said I beat her to the altar a few more times.  She smoked a few cigarettes and I thought I almost saw her cringe when she first grabbed the pack that happened to be in front of me.  Almost like saying. “I’m doing this and I don’t care what you think.”  This triggered something in me to prove that I was not a prude.  So I grabbed a beer and had some sort of mixed drink in my hand for the rest of the night.  I looked around at the people at the party, they were all beautiful models, actors and singers.  They were honestly very nice as well, but when I saw her interact with them I felt sad for her.  She plays the part perfectly.  She’s cool and smooth but every reaction was thought out.  I got a little tipsy at the end of the night but I kept my composure.  We were all hanging out in the garage, a few people were smoking. At one point I asked to smoke a puff of someone’s cigarette.  When I replayed last night in my head this morning I was so disgusted with myself.  In the past I have smoked when I have had a few drinks… both of which I am quitting.  The part that made me so angry with myself is that I didn’t smoke that cigarette because I wanted it… I smoked it because I wanted her to see.

I do not know when or why I gave her that much control.  I am not that person. I have no desire to be cool or popular.  I am completely content with my life and my friends.  My husband is the most unbelievable person I know and when I screw up, he’s the only one who has always been there to pick up the pieces.  Last night made me realize how blessed I am to have him in my life.  I cringe that I used to dance in the parking lot and kept a picture of my crush above my bed. (I told you I was creepy.) But I never hid myself to impress other people.  If people did or didn’t like me, they didn’t like the real awkward klutzy me. And I am ok with that.

Who am I?

3ab20f459cc2292eb3ee6f0501599e8aSoo… I know it has been a long time since I have written anything.  Not like it matters because I think three people are following me. Thank you three people.  I appreciate you.  I have been feeling very insignificant lately… I know it is silly.  My entire life I have been viewed as overly bossy and controlling.  Understandably, I would probably get annoyed with me too. Actually, I already am.  I do not mean to be this way.  Every piece of advice and simple correction I give is because I am sincerely trying to help.  I’m not trying to prove that I am right, or that my way is better.  I’m just suggesting another way.  I think that is why it is so hard when people do not appreciate it.

The hardest part about it is that I have always viewed my bossiness as a positive characteristic.  I would joke about how “Control Freaky” I am/was, but I never thought that it seriously irritated people.  I honestly thought that it was one of my best attributes.  So when I was reprimanded it made me feel worthless.  I have always wanted to be a wedding coordinator because I feel like I pay attention to detail and I love seeing people get married.  Now I do not really know what I want to do.  I am probably being over dramatic, but it has really caused me to question if my friends and family really like me or just put up with me.  As silly as it is, this has really made me reevaluate my life.

Anyway, I am figuring it out.  I have been trying not to voice my opinion so much, I have been trying not to voice it at all actually.  Not in a spiteful way, I just feel like people probably do not care about what I have to say.  I hope my three people are doing well.  🙂

G R O W up ^

Life has been so busy, working full-time, taking care of my husband.  Let me just take a moment to say that I am utterly and completely mad about him.  He is my favorite thing to see when open my eyes in the morning and the reason I am so excited to get home from work every night.  He is patient and understanding, something I am not completely used to.  Even though he hasn’t completely figured me out he’s slowly starting to understand that he never will.  This infuriates him.  He is absolutely the love of my life and I am so blessed to be a part of his story and am so glad that he is completing mine.12342747_10205602448237647_8495771199515099101_n

 Life hasn’t necessarily been easy as well.  Serious changes have been happening with my group of friends.

My Friend Shaylee is Marrying Ryan.  
Shannon, my sister and best friend is going away to college and I am utterly depressed.

Grant, Ryan’s brother is going into the Marines.

Shane, Sawyer and Shaylee’s Brother is working with Ryan at 4 Wheel Parts which is such a blessing.

Sawyer is going to be Daddy in September.  I will wait to disclose the gender because no one knows yet… well except me..  That’s a whole different story.

Crazy things. I am slowly realizing that life is completely unpredictable, but it goes on.  Maybe this time in my life is teaching me that I need to be more flexible.  Not everything is bad, actually none of it is bad.  My selfishness in missing my sister is the only thing that is going to be difficult, but for those of you wondering I will survive.  ..I hope.. I started a business called Beauticontrol so that should keep me busy.  I just pray that we all end up where we need to be and that these changes in our lives bring us closer together than apart.  I truly believe that God has a sense of humor, He notices when you think you have everything figured out and he flips it upside down.  Chang is good.  That is what I keep telling myself. Change is good… right?

Change

ImageIt is so strange how people change, their thoughts and motives.  A girl I knew in high school came into my Starbucks last night and was really intoxicated.  Before last night I had seen her one time a few months ago, but I had not seen her for years before that.  The first time she looked so drained and she was slurring her words, her face looked pale and drawn.  Last night her hair was done, she had color in her face, she honestly looked really beautiful.  Then you looked closer and there were little raw patches all over her arms, hands, and face.  Her mouth was really dry, she was talking quickly and seemed unbalanced.  It’s so sad how life changes. Honestly I was the bratty know-it-all freshman and her and my friend were the cool Juniors.   Everything they did I would criticize.  It was just strange to see her so lost.  I went home and told my fiancé about it and he said, really sympathetically, “You kind of make your own bed, you know?” But what if the person did not realize the extremely comfortable bed she could have had.  I wish she knew how beautiful she is and what an incredible leader she could be.

Last year I got a parking ticket for being parked ten minutes longer than I paid for.  I went home and told my dad and instead of yelling at me he said, “I was initially mad.  Then I thought of all the things that you could be doing, and if the worst trouble you have gotten into is a parking ticket then I can pay for it.” I was obviously grateful, but I also kind of laughed thinking, “what on earth could be we doing?  We were homeschooled.”  That was such a naive thought.  Just because I do not struggle does not mean that others do not either.

A few months ago a friend messaged me on Facebook asking me to pray for her (The friend that came in last night) because she was dying in the hospital for drug abuse.  I will not stop praying for her.  I honestly hope she discovers what her life could be like before it is too late.  I truly believe that God can do that.  She just has to be willing to change, sadly it does not look that way.